the heart melted today...

in quite a severe way, I would say.

all these years, while working with babies who were born with the same abnormility that I was born with, had made me immuned to the cries, the screams and the struggles whenever a drip is to be inserted into the little tiny hands or legs. i was always made the foster mother, the one who will carry the babies into the operation theatre, as the babies are quite silent when i carry them in. i dont know, maybe the emotional bonding. and also, the parents feel a bit secured seeing me there, carrrying their little souls and assuring them that i am there for the babies.

my arms will usually be the solace the babies could have when they are going through the painful experience of maybe having the gas over them or the needle into them. and all these years, i've managed to build a wall around my emotions so as not to cry or feel sorry for the baby at the crucial moment of incubating.

today a baby came in. i saw the parents and they were happy to see me. carried the baby in and assured the parents that all is going to be well. baby was sleeping all the way to the operation theatre. then she opened up her big eyes, and suddenly i got reminded of the nephew. same eyes, only different colour. and then the occasional smile... ah... lovely...

then the needle was inserted. baby cried, a harrowing cry. and suddenly, there was this huge urge in me to burst into tears also. there i was, trying to calm the baby down and at the same time, trying to keep my emotions in check. it was a DIFFICULT moment. i was only thinking about the nephew. same age, same hair, same eyes. not that i was hoping the nephew to go through such a thing, naudzubillah, but it was all that was running in the mind.

lucky thing baby slept fast enough. i had to walk out of the theatre for a while to calm my nerves. i guess having a baby in the house, just reignited the motherly instincts. it felt exactly like it felt 13 years ago when i first saw a baby being brought into the operation theatre.

the wall had crumble. i need to build up a new wall. i need to convince the heart and mind that this is work. this is what will make the babies lead a more beautiful life. i need to start being strong back again.

haisshhhh... dah lembut hati aku ni... baby nangis, aku pun nak nangis. hehehe...!!

ilal liqaa'...!!